Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Friday, 25 November 2011
This feels like spring and cards on the table
Where I live in the land of "far way" there are no seasons, I live so close to the equator, that the only difference in the temperature is between day and night and then that doesn't differ too much, but for some reason in my head I feel like Spring.
I have a need to decorate, move furniture and generally clear things out. I feel like a new beginning. I have cleaned up my computer, I have cleaned up paperwork, scrubbed walking boots,moved out the weevils that were living in my pasta, cleaned my car out, written letters, sent postcards, paid bills, done some online shopping for Christmas and I have typed but not sent the email to Him
An email telling him that I will not be meeting him in March to try to reconcile things, that I don't want to, that I think it is wrong to try, that my feelings have changed. I told him that I will always love him, and I will, but its not the same and it never will be. I don't want to tell him how I feel, or what I am thinking, I don't want him to know, I don't want to let him see those bits of me that he wants to see, I am in control of that now and it is mine, so things have changed. I am just sitting on it for a few days to make sure what I have written is what I truly feel, and that it is not written in anger and that what I am saying is what he will read, and then it is done.
And as for those cards that were laid out on the table?
Apart from working hard again this week, that is what I have done most of, considered those cards and the implications of making the decision to pick them up. I thought about what people have said to me as comment in response to my post. I have thought about what it will mean for me, and I have decided that more than anything I need to do what is best for me, what feels right for me at this moment.
I am a great believer in that when you make a decision it is the right one for you at that time, and it is right because we make decisions based on "at that time" , and having made it, it must be right. If it later turns out not to be right that is usually because our responce to what we thought would be is different...I know what I mean even if I cant explain it here very well......but I have made the decision, and
I have decided to take him up on his offer. And this is why it feels Spring like...it is new, a new start, a new beginning and I will have to wait and be patient and see what unfolds.
So today I sent him an email thanking him for his offer, and telling him of my decision, and so now I just am sitting here waiting to hear from him, and my heart is beating fast!
I have a need to decorate, move furniture and generally clear things out. I feel like a new beginning. I have cleaned up my computer, I have cleaned up paperwork, scrubbed walking boots,moved out the weevils that were living in my pasta, cleaned my car out, written letters, sent postcards, paid bills, done some online shopping for Christmas and I have typed but not sent the email to Him
An email telling him that I will not be meeting him in March to try to reconcile things, that I don't want to, that I think it is wrong to try, that my feelings have changed. I told him that I will always love him, and I will, but its not the same and it never will be. I don't want to tell him how I feel, or what I am thinking, I don't want him to know, I don't want to let him see those bits of me that he wants to see, I am in control of that now and it is mine, so things have changed. I am just sitting on it for a few days to make sure what I have written is what I truly feel, and that it is not written in anger and that what I am saying is what he will read, and then it is done.
And as for those cards that were laid out on the table?
Apart from working hard again this week, that is what I have done most of, considered those cards and the implications of making the decision to pick them up. I thought about what people have said to me as comment in response to my post. I have thought about what it will mean for me, and I have decided that more than anything I need to do what is best for me, what feels right for me at this moment.
I am a great believer in that when you make a decision it is the right one for you at that time, and it is right because we make decisions based on "at that time" , and having made it, it must be right. If it later turns out not to be right that is usually because our responce to what we thought would be is different...I know what I mean even if I cant explain it here very well......but I have made the decision, and
I have decided to take him up on his offer. And this is why it feels Spring like...it is new, a new start, a new beginning and I will have to wait and be patient and see what unfolds.
So today I sent him an email thanking him for his offer, and telling him of my decision, and so now I just am sitting here waiting to hear from him, and my heart is beating fast!
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
To all my American friends who are celebrating today, I wish you a happy and joyful Happy Thanks Giving I hope your day is filled with fun, happiness, thanks , football, food and family time.
Once more it reminds me to be thankful for everything that is good in my life, and here in blog land you are some of those things.
Have a wonderful day.
HSxx
Once more it reminds me to be thankful for everything that is good in my life, and here in blog land you are some of those things.
Have a wonderful day.
HSxx
Monday, 21 November 2011
Do I pick up the cards?
Having promised my 'friend' that I would get back to him at sometime I sent him an email. He is my blast from the past. I told him a few more details of what had happened and how I was feeling, how things were and a few of my plans for the future (which involved a big long list of place to visit this year: Laos, Myamar and Australia).
I told him I would be returning to the UK at some point too this year and I asked how he was. And that was it.
I got an email back pretty much straight away. He asked how I was feeling, how I was coping, how I was behaving (which made me smile) and then there was the big question tacked onto the end of the email......
"So my little lost subby friend...how are you managing without control in your life?"
I was just about to reply and say I was fine without it, that I was having a rest from it, that I didn't need it, that I didn't want it, and then I paused and had a small think to myself and wondered if this was entirely true....and as i was thinking another email arrived and all it said was....
"Hmmmmm, thought so"
I laughed.
He then sent a longer email to me, offering to take on a "mentoring role", a role of keeping me safe until such time as I make up my mind about anything else. He has offered to talk to me, at length about what I think I might need to keep me sane, on the straight and narrow (relatively speaking) and to set a level of control.
I know he is married, I know he is far away, I know that he is offering what he is offering; no more , no less. I know all the facts, as much as I can.
He has laid his cards on the table.
Do I pick them up?
He asked me to think about what he has said, what he has offered and to email him in a week as to my decision , to indicate if this is something I want.
So....is my hand hovering above those cards or is it over my mouth stopping the "OMG, what do I do now from coming out" ?
Well its a bit of both.
I told him I would be returning to the UK at some point too this year and I asked how he was. And that was it.
I got an email back pretty much straight away. He asked how I was feeling, how I was coping, how I was behaving (which made me smile) and then there was the big question tacked onto the end of the email......
"So my little lost subby friend...how are you managing without control in your life?"
I was just about to reply and say I was fine without it, that I was having a rest from it, that I didn't need it, that I didn't want it, and then I paused and had a small think to myself and wondered if this was entirely true....and as i was thinking another email arrived and all it said was....
"Hmmmmm, thought so"
I laughed.
He then sent a longer email to me, offering to take on a "mentoring role", a role of keeping me safe until such time as I make up my mind about anything else. He has offered to talk to me, at length about what I think I might need to keep me sane, on the straight and narrow (relatively speaking) and to set a level of control.
I know he is married, I know he is far away, I know that he is offering what he is offering; no more , no less. I know all the facts, as much as I can.
He has laid his cards on the table.
Do I pick them up?
He asked me to think about what he has said, what he has offered and to email him in a week as to my decision , to indicate if this is something I want.
So....is my hand hovering above those cards or is it over my mouth stopping the "OMG, what do I do now from coming out" ?
Well its a bit of both.
Sunday, 20 November 2011
Not broken just a little bruised
So here I am at the end of another weekend after a week that wiped me out and yet I cannot manage to switch off enough to sleep past my alarm time, even though I never actually have an alarm to wake me up, if that makes sense.
The weekend has been good, I have caught up on a few jobs, had a little snooze in the shade, I have been woken by the sound of rain three times and I have had coffee with a friend and caught up on a load of gossip.
And the other thing I have managed to do is avoid talking to to the man. This weekend is the christening of the baby and so he is busy. I dont want to talk to him at all, but there are still things to sort out. My friend has been and collected stuff from the house, but still some paperwork to do, but other than that it is all over bar the shouting...and I am so far past shouting that I cannot even be bothered to talk to him unless I absoluelty have to.
So now all that is left is do slowly leave the room and close the door quietly behind me, leaving nothing but a fading shadow of what could have been, what may have been and what was lost. I am not a person filled with regrets, I do not live my life on "if only..." or "what if...?" I am moving on. In my heart that is a little patch of sorrow that will never go, like a scar, but scars fade, and new skin grows over them and you forget they are there, and eventually when you look at them you try to remember how you got them.
I have some wonderful memories of being loved and cared for, of my submission and ownership, of our time together. I have learnt a lot; about myself, about this life, about how I feel. I have also learnt that you find friends in places you don't expect and that there are some wonderful people out there.
Mostly I have learned that my heart is not broken, just bruised, that I am still alive, a little older, a lot wiser. I have also learned that I have a choice about how I let this effect me and my future. I can let it burn deep into my soul, my self confidence, my belief in myself and my ability to make decisions. I can let it colour the next year of my life and taint my future relationships....or I can get my handbag out, put it on the floor and dance around doing a Gloria Gaynor..........so all together now........
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you......
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as i know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
The weekend has been good, I have caught up on a few jobs, had a little snooze in the shade, I have been woken by the sound of rain three times and I have had coffee with a friend and caught up on a load of gossip.
And the other thing I have managed to do is avoid talking to to the man. This weekend is the christening of the baby and so he is busy. I dont want to talk to him at all, but there are still things to sort out. My friend has been and collected stuff from the house, but still some paperwork to do, but other than that it is all over bar the shouting...and I am so far past shouting that I cannot even be bothered to talk to him unless I absoluelty have to.
So now all that is left is do slowly leave the room and close the door quietly behind me, leaving nothing but a fading shadow of what could have been, what may have been and what was lost. I am not a person filled with regrets, I do not live my life on "if only..." or "what if...?" I am moving on. In my heart that is a little patch of sorrow that will never go, like a scar, but scars fade, and new skin grows over them and you forget they are there, and eventually when you look at them you try to remember how you got them.
I have some wonderful memories of being loved and cared for, of my submission and ownership, of our time together. I have learnt a lot; about myself, about this life, about how I feel. I have also learnt that you find friends in places you don't expect and that there are some wonderful people out there.
Mostly I have learned that my heart is not broken, just bruised, that I am still alive, a little older, a lot wiser. I have also learned that I have a choice about how I let this effect me and my future. I can let it burn deep into my soul, my self confidence, my belief in myself and my ability to make decisions. I can let it colour the next year of my life and taint my future relationships....or I can get my handbag out, put it on the floor and dance around doing a Gloria Gaynor..........so all together now........
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you......
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as i know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
Saturday, 19 November 2011
A BIG APPOLOGY and computer illiteracy
I am so sorry, I have nominated people for VBA and cannot get in contact with them to tell them,I am not sure what I am doing wrong, but when i click on 'the email me' link on their blog, it ask me to set up an Outlook express account. well I am over 25 and can only have so many email accounts before my head explodes, and Icant remember some of the information that it is asking me for...so I cannot contact them.
If anyone has some advice or easy to follow instructions on how to contact some one, I have a hotmail and a gmail account...please please help...thank you...or if any of you have the email address of the people I have nominated and can pass it on to me, please email me on my account on my profile.
Thank you
HS
If anyone has some advice or easy to follow instructions on how to contact some one, I have a hotmail and a gmail account...please please help...thank you...or if any of you have the email address of the people I have nominated and can pass it on to me, please email me on my account on my profile.
Thank you
HS
VBA
So , a VBA...I am so proud to be nominated for one of these ( thank sbf and aisha) and now I have to follow the instructions as to what to do next. SO firstly...here come the 7 things about me....
1. I love to wear fluffy bed socks, even when it is 35C.
2. My favourite food is french beans.
3. I competed in two different sports at a national level.
4. I love my children and granddaughter with all my heart, sometimes I think it will burst.
5. I am terrified of the dentist, even though my dentist is one of my best friends.
6. I love seeing a man hold a baby.
7. I am terrified of spiders.
I thought that bit was difficult, and now to the really hard bit..........
1.aisha...I just love this blog, but I love aisha more. She is so kind, so positive and so hopeful. I love reading her blog, it is full of happiness
2.mouse... once more , another amazing person. Her blog can be so thoughtful, so considered, and then hiddend inside it will be a throw away line when you least expect it. She is very supportive and kind.
3.sbf there are so many lovely people out in blog land and this is one of my favourite. She is funny, sharp, compassionate and has a great store of fab pictures.
4. I always feel a sense of clam when I read cassie . It seems to resonate from her blog. It makes me feel like I want to sit on her step and drink a glass of wine with her as the sun sets.
5. blossom is another one of those bloggers who I always look forward to reading. She is strong, funny and so generous. I love the way she invites us in to her blog.
6.abby is just fab:)
7. Mistress160 This is an inspiring blog in so many ways. I love that it makes me think, I love that it links to all sorts of other places. I love that Mistress160 called me a dreadful girl for not visiting her and I love that her post sometimes hurt my brain...all in a good way.
8. nilla there have been times when i have nearly peed my pants when reading her blog...I just love it in so many ways.
9. sweetkk she is what it says on the tin, she is sweet. She is lovely. I miss her .(hey sweet kk, write some more soon).
10. mindet just another really good place to park yourself when you want a really good read about life, about his life, about anything and everything....and a cool person too.
11. theheronclan just so full of passion...about everything. The best thing i love about the blog is the love.
12. morning star what a strong woman, in so many ways , she has inspired me, given me strength and yest she does not take herself too seriously.
13. ronnie hard not to love someone who makes you laugh, and who has such good pictures...she canm touch your heart too.
14. hermionesheart. whats not to love?
15. lil this is one lovely lady, I read every post, but I dont comment enough. Lil has often been there for me over the last few months.
So there is my list, its just a snapshot of the blogs I look at , the blogs I enjoy. I'm sorry if you are not on it, but it said only 15, or I would have included a lot more,
Here are the rules:
1. I love to wear fluffy bed socks, even when it is 35C.
2. My favourite food is french beans.
3. I competed in two different sports at a national level.
4. I love my children and granddaughter with all my heart, sometimes I think it will burst.
5. I am terrified of the dentist, even though my dentist is one of my best friends.
6. I love seeing a man hold a baby.
7. I am terrified of spiders.
I thought that bit was difficult, and now to the really hard bit..........
1.aisha...I just love this blog, but I love aisha more. She is so kind, so positive and so hopeful. I love reading her blog, it is full of happiness
2.mouse... once more , another amazing person. Her blog can be so thoughtful, so considered, and then hiddend inside it will be a throw away line when you least expect it. She is very supportive and kind.
3.sbf there are so many lovely people out in blog land and this is one of my favourite. She is funny, sharp, compassionate and has a great store of fab pictures.
4. I always feel a sense of clam when I read cassie . It seems to resonate from her blog. It makes me feel like I want to sit on her step and drink a glass of wine with her as the sun sets.
5. blossom is another one of those bloggers who I always look forward to reading. She is strong, funny and so generous. I love the way she invites us in to her blog.
6.abby is just fab:)
7. Mistress160 This is an inspiring blog in so many ways. I love that it makes me think, I love that it links to all sorts of other places. I love that Mistress160 called me a dreadful girl for not visiting her and I love that her post sometimes hurt my brain...all in a good way.
8. nilla there have been times when i have nearly peed my pants when reading her blog...I just love it in so many ways.
9. sweetkk she is what it says on the tin, she is sweet. She is lovely. I miss her .(hey sweet kk, write some more soon).
10. mindet just another really good place to park yourself when you want a really good read about life, about his life, about anything and everything....and a cool person too.
11. theheronclan just so full of passion...about everything. The best thing i love about the blog is the love.
12. morning star what a strong woman, in so many ways , she has inspired me, given me strength and yest she does not take herself too seriously.
13. ronnie hard not to love someone who makes you laugh, and who has such good pictures...she canm touch your heart too.
14. hermionesheart. whats not to love?
15. lil this is one lovely lady, I read every post, but I dont comment enough. Lil has often been there for me over the last few months.
So there is my list, its just a snapshot of the blogs I look at , the blogs I enjoy. I'm sorry if you are not on it, but it said only 15, or I would have included a lot more,
Here are the rules:
1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.
So now all I have left to do is to say another big Thank you to those people who have nominiated me, I really am very happy to be nominated, to say thank you to all of you who read my bog, who follow it, or who comment, or those that just lurk.
The hard bit now....finding out how to contact everyone.
Friday, 18 November 2011
Where for art thou?
Oh I am so excited and pleased, I ahve been nominated for a VBA, yeay me! and now I have to follow the instructions, but like aisha, it is so difficult, so many to choose from...where to begin?
So I have begun with a glass of wine and some music, got distracted and so I am going to have along long sleep after another long work day and spend tomorrow in blogland making my choices, catching up with everyones blogs and lives and will fulfill my promise with my list of 15................
oh duvet ,duvet where for art thou duvet?
Lurking right there...yippee...
I have been given an adress from which I can down load tv programmes and so , its me, the duvet and Come dine with me....
Night night
So I have begun with a glass of wine and some music, got distracted and so I am going to have along long sleep after another long work day and spend tomorrow in blogland making my choices, catching up with everyones blogs and lives and will fulfill my promise with my list of 15................
oh duvet ,duvet where for art thou duvet?
Lurking right there...yippee...
I have been given an adress from which I can down load tv programmes and so , its me, the duvet and Come dine with me....
Night night
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
How do I love you?
I love the way you are there for me, always waiting when I need you most.
I love the way I can rely on you to be steadfast and true.
No matter how you look, even all rumpled and creased after a hard night, I still love you
.
I love the smoothness of your touch, the coolness of your caress.
I love how I feel when I am wrapped in your embrace.
I hate to leave you in the moments before sunrise, I cling to you.
I think about you and look forward to being with you again.
Oh my lovely big bed and fluffy duvet how I love you so.
This is the result of two 16 hour days with 4 hours sleep...night night world...oh wrap me in your lurve duvet
I love the way I can rely on you to be steadfast and true.
No matter how you look, even all rumpled and creased after a hard night, I still love you
.
I love the smoothness of your touch, the coolness of your caress.
I love how I feel when I am wrapped in your embrace.
I hate to leave you in the moments before sunrise, I cling to you.
I think about you and look forward to being with you again.
Oh my lovely big bed and fluffy duvet how I love you so.
This is the result of two 16 hour days with 4 hours sleep...night night world...oh wrap me in your lurve duvet
Monday, 14 November 2011
The five senses ?
This always makes me laugh when people talk about the five senses...what about all the other sense that keep us safe, alive, and able to stay sane in a crazy world....
A sense of time....knowing when its up!
A sense of space.......not getting too close
A sense of direction......knowing where you are going in life
A sense of proprietary................knowing when its OK to be completely inappropriate.
A sense of humour....realising that laughter really is the only thing left
A sense of wonder....wondering how you will get yourself of of your latest predicament
A sense of urgency....knowing when its right to say "If you don't let me cum I will die from waiting"
A sense of scale....do I need to elaborate this one...I don't think s?.
A sense of the ridiculous...lets be honest here;ropes, plugs, clamps, orifices etc...
Then there are the five traditional ones . I thought about these and tried to think of my favourite examples. This is a little more chocolate boxy I'm, sorry to say...old sap that I am:)
A sense of taste......English strawberries warm from the sunshine covered in sugar and left for half an hour...bliss in a bowl
A sense of touch...my granddaughters hands on my cheeks as she turns my face to her, to tell me to look at her so she can "feel how much you love me".
A sense of hearing...the sound, from a distance, of children playing with water on a sunny day;sheer happiness and abandonment to pleasure.
A sense of sight.......the faces of people seeing loved one, missed ones walking through the gate at arrivals in an airport.
A sense of smell...rain on hot concrete .
And the last one....nonsense....self explanatory
A sense of time....knowing when its up!
A sense of space.......not getting too close
A sense of direction......knowing where you are going in life
A sense of proprietary................knowing when its OK to be completely inappropriate.
A sense of humour....realising that laughter really is the only thing left
A sense of wonder....wondering how you will get yourself of of your latest predicament
A sense of urgency....knowing when its right to say "If you don't let me cum I will die from waiting"
A sense of scale....do I need to elaborate this one...I don't think s?.
A sense of the ridiculous...lets be honest here;ropes, plugs, clamps, orifices etc...
Then there are the five traditional ones . I thought about these and tried to think of my favourite examples. This is a little more chocolate boxy I'm, sorry to say...old sap that I am:)
A sense of taste......English strawberries warm from the sunshine covered in sugar and left for half an hour...bliss in a bowl
A sense of touch...my granddaughters hands on my cheeks as she turns my face to her, to tell me to look at her so she can "feel how much you love me".
A sense of hearing...the sound, from a distance, of children playing with water on a sunny day;sheer happiness and abandonment to pleasure.
A sense of sight.......the faces of people seeing loved one, missed ones walking through the gate at arrivals in an airport.
A sense of smell...rain on hot concrete .
And the last one....nonsense....self explanatory
Sunday, 13 November 2011
Not good and a blast from the past
For the last week or so, I have been hiding from him, not wanting to speak, not wanting to talk to him. He has sent a few snarky text and emails, asking if I am okay as he knew I was sick. I replied telling him I was fine, but that i didnt want to speak to him at the moment, I have lots to say, but don't know how to say it yet, when when I am ready i will. So he backed off a bit
He knows I love him, but he knows, deep down in his heart that he is trying to fight a loosing battle. And so he backed off and eventually I text him to say I was ok, and we chatted some, nothing significant, just chat. He asked about my family, I asked about his, usual chat stuff.
He is trying to get me to meet up with him in March, but I don't want to, I cant afford the flight really, I certainly cant afford the time, and i don't think that i can afford the emotional energy. I dont want to meet him, I do need to go home and sort things out, but I dont want some romantic meeting, where he can worm his way back into my heart.
He knows I will not submit to him, I do not want it, I do not feel it. he does not deserve it, he has lost the right to it. He says a "normal" relationship is better than nothing, but it will not happen.
I wish I was stronger, I wish I could just say..
" No that's it, over and done with, go away, leave me alone, go to your baby, go to the woman you thought was more than what i gave you. I gave you ALL of myself and it was still not enough. How can "normal" now be enough."
But I can't, I know how bad I feel and i know saying it like that will hurt him too, will make him feel as bad as I do, and i don't want to , but in saying that, a long drawn out goodbye is just as painful. I wish there was something I could do to make this all stop to all finish.
I wish that I could undo the last year, I wish for so many things and at the same time I wish for nothing.
And just to complicate things further. I had an email from an old "friend". He is one person I had talked to online for a while, we had chatted and flirted for a while, we had tested each other out, played a little, and once I had met him, just once. A rushed coffee on a cold day. I had been so nervous waiting for him to show up, and when he did, I was more nervous and not nervous at all. We fit, we just did. we clicked. I liked him, he liked me. he told me afterwards he wanted to take me from the coffee shop and go somewhere private, but at the time he didn't mention it, he wouldn't, it wasn't appropriate, not the best thing to do, to rush things.
And here he was, out of the blue, sending me an email, just a hello, asking how I was, wondering if I was ok, He had been thinking about me and was just filled with the feeling that things were not wonderful. He doesn't have this blog, he doesn't have my face book, which would not tell you anything anyway. But he just was checking in to make sure i was ok. he told me a bit about what was going on with him, he sent me a naughty story to read and told me to enjoy it. He sent his love and he signed his name.
And I am not a person who goes from one to another, but my stomach leapt!
Oh bum!
I replied, saying things were not wonderful, I am ok, but things are not good. I told him a little bit, but no details. I said I would catch up with him another time.
He sent me back a smile and a hug and a "whenever".
And now that is where I am.
What I really want is for someone to hold me, to wrap their arms around me, to tell me I have got it right, that I have made the right decision, I want some one to hold me when I am crying, I want to go home and see my dad before he disappears completely to be replaced by someone else living in his body.
When i wake up from my nightmares I want someone to be there, to root me back in reality.
I didn't want any of this to happen.
I am not really ok at all.
He knows I love him, but he knows, deep down in his heart that he is trying to fight a loosing battle. And so he backed off and eventually I text him to say I was ok, and we chatted some, nothing significant, just chat. He asked about my family, I asked about his, usual chat stuff.
He is trying to get me to meet up with him in March, but I don't want to, I cant afford the flight really, I certainly cant afford the time, and i don't think that i can afford the emotional energy. I dont want to meet him, I do need to go home and sort things out, but I dont want some romantic meeting, where he can worm his way back into my heart.
He knows I will not submit to him, I do not want it, I do not feel it. he does not deserve it, he has lost the right to it. He says a "normal" relationship is better than nothing, but it will not happen.
I wish I was stronger, I wish I could just say..
" No that's it, over and done with, go away, leave me alone, go to your baby, go to the woman you thought was more than what i gave you. I gave you ALL of myself and it was still not enough. How can "normal" now be enough."
But I can't, I know how bad I feel and i know saying it like that will hurt him too, will make him feel as bad as I do, and i don't want to , but in saying that, a long drawn out goodbye is just as painful. I wish there was something I could do to make this all stop to all finish.
I wish that I could undo the last year, I wish for so many things and at the same time I wish for nothing.
And just to complicate things further. I had an email from an old "friend". He is one person I had talked to online for a while, we had chatted and flirted for a while, we had tested each other out, played a little, and once I had met him, just once. A rushed coffee on a cold day. I had been so nervous waiting for him to show up, and when he did, I was more nervous and not nervous at all. We fit, we just did. we clicked. I liked him, he liked me. he told me afterwards he wanted to take me from the coffee shop and go somewhere private, but at the time he didn't mention it, he wouldn't, it wasn't appropriate, not the best thing to do, to rush things.
And here he was, out of the blue, sending me an email, just a hello, asking how I was, wondering if I was ok, He had been thinking about me and was just filled with the feeling that things were not wonderful. He doesn't have this blog, he doesn't have my face book, which would not tell you anything anyway. But he just was checking in to make sure i was ok. he told me a bit about what was going on with him, he sent me a naughty story to read and told me to enjoy it. He sent his love and he signed his name.
And I am not a person who goes from one to another, but my stomach leapt!
Oh bum!
I replied, saying things were not wonderful, I am ok, but things are not good. I told him a little bit, but no details. I said I would catch up with him another time.
He sent me back a smile and a hug and a "whenever".
And now that is where I am.
What I really want is for someone to hold me, to wrap their arms around me, to tell me I have got it right, that I have made the right decision, I want some one to hold me when I am crying, I want to go home and see my dad before he disappears completely to be replaced by someone else living in his body.
When i wake up from my nightmares I want someone to be there, to root me back in reality.
I didn't want any of this to happen.
I am not really ok at all.
Friday, 11 November 2011
No title required
A long time ago, a very long time ago I went out with a soldier. I was 17 , he was 22. he was young, I was younger...we had fun...we had lots of fun. He was tall, and handsome, oh how he was handsome, with eyes so blue they hurt to look at.
We lived a life of dates, alcoholic nights, moody music, manic grasping at life, trying to live every moment, to make each meaningful...it was not a long relationship, it was not love. Mostly it was lust and fun, and sex, and music, late nights and dancing.
But what makes me think about it today, like I do, every year, on this and one other day, always, without fail?
Is because he was one of those, those that we remember..."lest we forget"...not killed in a popular war, not a "just war' not open warfare, but a war none the less.
A war of attrition, a war of religion, politics, of beliefs, of terror.
A war of sonless mothers, fatherless children, a war of pain and loneliness, a pointless war, a war where both sides lost.
So on this day I remember, I remember for these reasons.
I remember because it was so pointless, so wasteful, the loss, his death, the space he left behind.
I remember because as a grown woman, a mother, a human, I mourn his lost potential, his future.
I remember because we should never forget.
As a teenager, we move on quickly, we leave behind our pain, I lived that life then, its all and nothing, black and white,right and wrong. Its how it should be when you are young. these things should not blight your life , your future, they should make you more compassionate, a better person for having lived through it, but they should not dictate the your future, they should be part of your past.
I say this, to remind myself really, I was not callous in my loss and short grief, I was young...but I do not forget.......R
We lived a life of dates, alcoholic nights, moody music, manic grasping at life, trying to live every moment, to make each meaningful...it was not a long relationship, it was not love. Mostly it was lust and fun, and sex, and music, late nights and dancing.
But what makes me think about it today, like I do, every year, on this and one other day, always, without fail?
Is because he was one of those, those that we remember..."lest we forget"...not killed in a popular war, not a "just war' not open warfare, but a war none the less.
A war of attrition, a war of religion, politics, of beliefs, of terror.
A war of sonless mothers, fatherless children, a war of pain and loneliness, a pointless war, a war where both sides lost.
So on this day I remember, I remember for these reasons.
I remember because it was so pointless, so wasteful, the loss, his death, the space he left behind.
I remember because as a grown woman, a mother, a human, I mourn his lost potential, his future.
I remember because we should never forget.
As a teenager, we move on quickly, we leave behind our pain, I lived that life then, its all and nothing, black and white,right and wrong. Its how it should be when you are young. these things should not blight your life , your future, they should make you more compassionate, a better person for having lived through it, but they should not dictate the your future, they should be part of your past.
I say this, to remind myself really, I was not callous in my loss and short grief, I was young...but I do not forget.......R
Lest we forget
| ||
|
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Love Our Lurkers
Thank you Bonnie:)So here it is, Love Our Lurkers day....I was that lurker, and look what happened to me.
So come on Lurkers, I am here just after Mistress160 in Australia, being in the Far away land we get to go first....so welcome, come read, come comment, have your say, ask a question, make a comment....feel free, stay for a while, get a coffee, curl up on the sofa and have a read, then this time...say something...I would love to hear from you......welcome....HSxx
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Oh my!
Just l realised that LOL day is upon us and that this must mean I have been blogging for a year..
Well....here I am
First of all I would like to say a very big thank you to all of you who read my blog. Your support , encouragement and love have really helped me. It has been so good to know that you have been out there rooting for me, sending me good wishes and positive thoughts, offering words of support and advice.
This sounds like the beginning of a goodbye...its not.
I took a few weeks off and went traveling. I went and did some normal stuff in Australia, just avoiding strikes. I caught up with a few friends around Asia, staying a night here and there, eating crap food, lying on beaches in the warm sunshine, walking along other beaches in the cold rain.(dont let anyone tell you Australia is always hot), having a few bumpy flights and a few over enthusiastic landings.
I saw great wonders of the natural and man made world. I saw the sun rise over the heart of Australia on a cold and almost frosty morning, the Milky Way suspended in an endless sky disappearing into the rising heat of the day until only the morning star and the red hot globe of the sun were left.
I saw dolphins playing in the river outside multimillion dollar houses, leaping without a care in the world, I laughed at parrots and lorrakeets as they hung upside down in trees releasing seeds from pods and pooping on unsuspecting passersby. I marveled at the skills of the surfers catching waves and riding them into the shore, knowing that for that stolen moment they were full of joy and life, abandoning everything to the feel of the wave beneath their board (see..... I've done it and recognise that look ).
I sat, huddled in a jumper cuddling hot chocolate, aimlessly watching the world go by, people watching, wondering what their lives were about, what secrets they held close to their hearts, where their life's journey was taking them and what they had in their shopping bags (life's not all deep and meaningful).
I ate steak, big juicy prawns, wonderful salad and drank the coldest beer and I slept......................oh how I slept. I slept in bunk beds, big luxury beds, on the sofa, in a tent, on planes, boats, in cars anywhere there was a reasonably horizontal surface.
And now I am back in far away land, having traveled thousands of miles in a short space of time, used up my carbon footprint for many a month and now I am ready to face the future. I am still not sure what it is, I know it is under my control, it is my decision, and for once that feels the right thing and it feels good to be like that.
So now to just say what I am feeling to those I need to say it to.
This sounds like the beginning of a goodbye...its not.
I took a few weeks off and went traveling. I went and did some normal stuff in Australia, just avoiding strikes. I caught up with a few friends around Asia, staying a night here and there, eating crap food, lying on beaches in the warm sunshine, walking along other beaches in the cold rain.(dont let anyone tell you Australia is always hot), having a few bumpy flights and a few over enthusiastic landings.
I saw great wonders of the natural and man made world. I saw the sun rise over the heart of Australia on a cold and almost frosty morning, the Milky Way suspended in an endless sky disappearing into the rising heat of the day until only the morning star and the red hot globe of the sun were left.
I saw dolphins playing in the river outside multimillion dollar houses, leaping without a care in the world, I laughed at parrots and lorrakeets as they hung upside down in trees releasing seeds from pods and pooping on unsuspecting passersby. I marveled at the skills of the surfers catching waves and riding them into the shore, knowing that for that stolen moment they were full of joy and life, abandoning everything to the feel of the wave beneath their board (see..... I've done it and recognise that look ).
I sat, huddled in a jumper cuddling hot chocolate, aimlessly watching the world go by, people watching, wondering what their lives were about, what secrets they held close to their hearts, where their life's journey was taking them and what they had in their shopping bags (life's not all deep and meaningful).
I ate steak, big juicy prawns, wonderful salad and drank the coldest beer and I slept......................oh how I slept. I slept in bunk beds, big luxury beds, on the sofa, in a tent, on planes, boats, in cars anywhere there was a reasonably horizontal surface.
And now I am back in far away land, having traveled thousands of miles in a short space of time, used up my carbon footprint for many a month and now I am ready to face the future. I am still not sure what it is, I know it is under my control, it is my decision, and for once that feels the right thing and it feels good to be like that.
So now to just say what I am feeling to those I need to say it to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)