Sometimes being apart makes life very difficult, and for some reason either he fails to, or chooses not to understand that I cannot be online all the time, and that my computer/phone doesn't do a song and dance every time he logs on, especially when he is online and not visible.
However I think my extra sensory powers of prediction are meant to be able to predict it...........and they don't.
I want to tell him he is being unreasonable, that I cant always be there for him to talk to when he wants. But he knows this anyway.
I want to tell him he is being VERY unreasonable.......but I cant.
I have and he says, yes that its true, but he still sends me messages about not being online.
I want to SCREAM....................... but I wont.
I will bite my tongue.
I will sulk.
I will fume inside.
I will have to tell him in the end.............something he already knows.
I know he is just making a point.
That I am unavailable because he has allowed me to be unavailable.
I still want to scream and stamp my feet at the unfairness of his comments.
Yes... The unfairness, lopsidedness, annoying, unreasonableness... The way it can make you squirm with anger and frustration... My insides actually feel like they are wiggling and sometimes I want to cry out "fuck you!" and make a run for it... But the process of talking myself back from the ledge, of working it through, of looking at the situation and dealing... It has grown me... For the better, methinks. Hang in there HS... Breathe... Recognize the feelings, observe them if you can... And let them go... Some good ole mindful meditation, basically. It helps me immensely in these moments!!
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Thank you sweet kk......all of that and more...especially the "fuck you" bit. There is a massive storm raging outside, the building is shaking, and it fills me with the same vibrations, the power somehow calms me, and as I lie her watching the lightning fill the sky I am thinking of your words...breathe. breathe. breathe...thank you....I smiled at your words and then cried .......and felt a little more balance , thank you x HS
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