I don't seem at the moment to be able to get anything right.
Everything I do seems to be not quite right, not up the the mark..he said the words I dread the most............
"You have let me down, I am disappointed in you, in how you are behaving"
Tears....lots of tears
Then he said "It is partly my fault too, as I have been so busy". and although that maybe true, and I MUST believe it because he has said that is how it is..........I felt no better.
I want the duvet over my head, I want to hide from him and not see the disappointment in his eyes, hear it in his voice, see it printed on the page.
I need him to punish me. I need to be punished .
I need to try harder and be better, to listen more carefully and pay attention. To behave as I have been taught.
I need him to punish me, so I can focus on what is needed, and know he has forgiven me, so i can bring myself to look at him again, and not see the disappointment that I have caused.
I need to be able to kneel at his feet after my punishment, and be allowed to put my head on his lap and head his hand stroke my hair.
I need him.