The truth....... no matter how much it hurts

Sometimes writing about something makes you think deep and hard. I have thought deep and I have thought hard.
I have just sent an email.
I have decided if I am writing the about the truth I must tell the truth, if nothing other than to be true to my word, and true to myself.
I have tried writing about my Uk trip , and I have put it off every day, what I have written so far is the truth, it is what has happened, how I have felt, but it is not the whole truth, and by concealing this I have felt as if there is no truth.

This was a very difficult email to write, and I have writen it...and instead of sitting on it, and pondering, I have sent it.
The truth is what is important. I have decided to put the whole email here......becasue once it is out there, then I have spoken the whole truth.....Respect and honesty.......................................

The problem with lying and being given the opportunity to face up to what has been done and said, is that unless you have courage, you don't take that opportunity when it is first offered, and the longer you leave it , the more difficult it becomes. There comes the day, when you realise there is no way out of the lie, nowhere to go, other than to keep on lying, and digging yourself deeper into a hole of both deception and self deception, until your lies become your own reality.

The problem with creating your own reality is that it is not real, it is false, made up, pretend, and no matter how much you convince yourself that your version of the truth is the real one, you know deep down it is not...and in the end, this knowledge will catch you out.

You may think that you have got away with it, you may feel that you have managed to deceive everyone else, but you have not. It is not the major things in life that give you away, it is the smallest of things...the hesitation when you are lying, the confusion, the slight mix up of dates and times, of the who, the where and the whys. And in your heart, and even though you behave like this, you do have one, you know that you have been found out, been discovered, and you long for the lie to be real, but its not, and slowly it begins to unravel, to unfold and expose the truth.

Trying to hold onto your reality is like trying to hold sand in your hands, no matter how much you want something to stay the same, to remain, to be able to keep it...it slowly slips away. If you face up to the truth, you can do something about it, rescue the reality, the truth, you can  stop the seepage of sand.....but you chose not to................. and so it is slowly but surely going...and the saddest thing of all is that the truth had been known for a while, and you would have been forgiven for creating our own reality, we all do to an extent.


You may wonder sometimes, late in your sleepless nights, how I know, how I am am so sure. Foolish people make mistakes, people who believe their own lies make mistakes, they leave their phones lying around, that make noises when messages comes through and they come on the screen, they leave laptops on, logged into places they shouldn't, and they leave their sound on when they think they have turned it off, they type the wrong message to the wrong person...simple things, easy mistakes to make...hard consequences to live with for everyone.

At the heart of everything lies two facts "truth" and "respect".

We all tell lies for all sorts of reasons, and most of them are well intentioned, but the lies used to deceive, to manipulate, to retain something that doesn't belong to you because you got it through an untruth, a lie;, these are the very worst sort of lies. These are the lies that damage people, that change lives and sometimes destroy them. These type of lies are the one that cause other people to doubt themselves, their judgement and their faith in human nature itself. These lives will also damage you, because in the end you will be left with nothing but the knowledge that you are grasping at shadows. People can stand most things, but untruths are the most hurtful of all.  No matter how much love exists between people, lies are the most destructive because they destroy the thing that relationships are based on, namely trust and respect.

Trust is not about silly things, about money lying around, or private things, its about knowing that the other person will put your welfare before their own desires, knowing that how they behave puts you at the forefront of their thinking, that they have considered the impact of their actions on you. We all make mistakes, I have, we all have, but to deliberately make someone trust you, to preach the whole 'trust' thing and all the time be lying about things, undermines everything, destroys a relationship, leaves it like a vacuum.

When trust is gone...what do you fill it with...mistrust? emptiness? doubt? which is worse..and what are you, the perpetrator of the lie left with? You are left with nothing, other than the knowledge of what you have done, what you have destroyed.

 And respect? To respect someone is to bestow them with some worth in your eyes, your heart and your conscious ........but where is the worth when you have lied, deliberately set out to deceive, to manipulate through those lies...there is no respect.....and I think ultimately there is no self respect either...in fact you are once again left with nothing.


And so where does this leave us...its leaves us with nowhere to go. That is where it leaves us.

It leaves a void in lives and an aching hearts,hearts filled with sadness , sadness at what has happened and what could have been. You have been given the opportunity before to face this and to talk and to trust what I felt, but no more.

I would have ...I really would have...with all my heart. Each morning I have woken up and hoped that you would speak the truth, that you would even just intimate something, enough for me to say  "I know", but you haven't , you haven't said anything, you have continued to deceive, to lie and to manipulate me , not in the way that is right, but in a destructive way, a way that is slowly but surely sapping out of me every shred of self respect, self belief and self worth that I have struggled so hard to gain back from a previous life. Those things that I held onto by the very skin of my teeth, that I fought to cling to in the very darkest days when I wondered if I even had the energy left to live another day. But I did. I am proud of what i did. we have talked about this , and you had told me how you admire this strength in me and yet, just like others before you are eroding it , slowly but surely.


Something, when I lie awake at night, I think that you can be no better than them, but I know you are which is what makes me saddest of all, this is the thing that hurts me the most of all...you are better than them.

I know that you are aware of this, I have looked into your eyes and you know that this moment is coming you know you cannot hold it off, you are trying so hard, but you will not tell me the truth, I know you won't..and so this will die, and with it my heart will die too.

I wish I could confront you with this directly again, but last time I did, you chose to perpetuate the lie and now you must continue it.....but we both know it is a lie. We both know. iI is only me that has the courage to admit it, I just wish I had the courage to say it to your face, but I don't. You may wonder why I don't...

The reason is......

I love you, like I have never loved anyone, and I cannot bear to see the pain in your eyes when you have to admit to yourself, if not to me, that you have been found out a long time ago, and that I can no longer live "your " lie any more. This is difficult enough, being apart, having to live what I have descirbed to you over and over again as a "half life" , a life where the best of me is missing...but the reason I am finally doing this, is that I am not prepared to allow this to done to me any more and risk loosing everything. When I came back in February it was very difficult, and i could feel "me " beginning to disappear. the reason why..... becasue I had confronted you with the truth and you had chosen not to speak, so now I am taking control and I am speaking.

A very wise person once told me..."You get treated how you let yourself be treated"...and enough is enough, I am worth more than this.

I am worth respect.

I am worth the truth.

If you cannot give them to me, then I have to take them.

I have my self respect and I have the truth.

So now what happens?

I will, one by one, be deleting every method by which I contact you, until in the end there will be no way. I will be changing my phone number, I will be deleting each and every email by which you have contacted me. I hope before I do, that you will speak to me, that you will say something...because after I am gone I will not be coming back. I will be moving at the end of this year, I will be changing jobs. I will be claiming back the truth.

I love you and will always love you, for what you have given me, for what we have shared, for what we had.........................

Lx