Last night I couldn't sleep, I had been used again, but that wasnt the reason,he didnt want me to wear my rope, and I don't think that was the reason, I was still coughing, and I feel like I am short of breath and unabale to completly fill my lungs with each breath, but I dont even think that was the reason.
I was thinking when I couldnt seleep. I was thinking about pain.
I know that there are people that enjoy pain, and sometimes I think maybe I do, but mostly I think maybe I dont. For me it is seldom the pain that he inflicts on me, or makes me inflict on myself, its not the pain....its the control, the lack of choice, the non existence of any power, the feeling of helplessness, the submission to his will and desires, that does it for me.
If he gives me a chocie of activities, I very rarley choose a painful one, although it is hard when I know it is what he wants and enjoys, although he enjoys the control too.
What I was thinking about was the differnt types of pain and how I deal with them.
I have gone through, like most people of my age, a wide variety of different life experience, some of them happy and some of them sad, some of them have filled me with undeniable pain. Some I have recovered from quickly and others have taken time, but the pain does go, but what it leaves behind is different each time.
I have experienced the pain of miscarriaige, which lodged deep inside me, pain of such loss, loss of potential, of what could have been, of a future..... but I learnt to deal with it by realising that not everything is mean to be, howver much it hurts, its just not.
I have dealt with the pain of long labours and of child birth, that sort of pain, that stops the moment your arms are filled with a baby, and you are filled with the exact opposite of pain.
I have watched my children grow and learn ; and held them as they have felt the pain of disapointment, envy, jealousy, heartbreak, loneliness, injustice and watched my daughter give birth. And all of that is a pain, each and every one, big, small, seemingly insignificant and life changing that I would have, in a heartbeat, have taken away from them if I could,...........but.........it is making them into the people they are becoming.
I have endured the pain of a destructive relationship, where it became so unbearable that in the end I no longer cared, about myself, about a future.........about anything........until I felt nothing at all.........and as for the light at the end of the tunnel...I didn't even care if was there or not. Then there was the productive pain of a long slow recovery of my physical and menatl health where each day was painful,emotional pain, that made me strong becasue I knew I would be okay in the end. And not only did I have my hand wrapped around the cord that turned the light I, I wasn't letting go, and it was staying on; , full, bright and filling me with a sense of hope, sending any remaining residual pain, into the shadows where I could look at it, remember it, and keep it where it should be...far away.
I have been humbled by the pain of loosing three friend in one year, of watching them slowly and inexorablly travel towards their end. Three of my best friends, people I love, and I watched in awe as they coped with their bodily pain, their sense of their own mortality and how they supported us, those who love, to deal with our pain at the thought that they would no longer be with us...and I was truely blessed to have them as friends, and my pain was nothing compared to theirs. But my heart is no longer filled with pain when I think about them , but joy and happinesss at the memories I have, memories I keep in my heart .
And the other pain I have is the pain that he inflicts on my, by my choice. I have given him the right to do it, and now I have no choice about the type of pain I receive, when or where. Sometimes it is such mental pain, where the pain I feel when I have disapointed him, which could be argued to be self inflcited, makes me want to curl up, withdraw into myself and hide in shame. The pain of having to talk about what I have done wrong, or failed to do, how my behaviour has had a negative impact on him and his happiness is like a knife in my heart. But hopefully it teaches me to be a better slave, to serve him better an be as he desire and demands I am , and so for that I am grateful for the pain
The physcial pain, the one that fills my head, with something like white noise, the pain of clamps on nipples, when sometimes I want to crawl across the floor to try and escape it, to bang my head against the wall, to give me something else to focus on, but where invariablly I am left standing, with instrcutions not to move, or keeling, or on all fours, the pull of clamps, of weights exaserbating the pain.
The pain of being beaten, with hand and fist, slapped, canned, whipped and flogged, hair pulled, pinched, twisted and squeezed.
It is this pain that so confuses me, that leaves me breathelss, that leaves me in a state of euphoria, unable to focus on anything other than him, than the words he says, until he too fades into the distance and all that is left is nothing...........................just a sense of peace and calm and quiet, and although everypart of my body may be hurting I feel nothing.
And as I return to him and hear words such as "Good girl," and "I am proud of you" and "You have pleased me", whatever pain I have felt, ........................ hear those words and to know it is me that has made him feel like that, is worth it.And I deal with it because I know it has given him pleasure or he has used it to make me learn, to be a slave, his slave and at the end of the day.
That is all I want...to be his.