I always find New Year difficult, I think I always have. Its the arbitrariness of it all, just some random day with no deeper significance.
I have done the whole get drunk, snog various people, leap in fountains, ski down a mountain at midnight, gaze up at the stars in the Moroccan dessert and feel my insignificance in the greater scheme of things. Ive done the stay at home in bed with the flu; every pore of my skin hurting and snot flowing freely, I've done the gazing at my brand new baby, filled with wonder and fear for what the future will hold for them, I've done the "I'm sad, depressed, all alone New Year " wallowing in self pity and downing a bottle of wine weeping to self imposed selection of weepy songs that only women understand how important it is to play. I have done the stand under the tropical moon and gaze into the surf, I've done a lot of I'm so tired I will never make it to midnight type of celebration too.
I feel I have done a pretty fair selection of celebrations of New Year.
And when it is over, and the the next day dawns, I have done both the looking forward and looking back.
I've counted my blessings, pondered my fate, made plans, crossed things off lists, given myself a good talking too, wept at the sadness of some years and laughed at the joy I have had in other.
Usually my year starts in March, at the beginning of spring, but this year is different.
I have spent that last 24 hours thinking hard about things and it was sin and doubleknots recent posting that began to focus my thinking.
The difference between submission and obedience is sometimes so subtle, that it only happens in one's head, and that is what I have to do.
I have to submit.
Not just my body, but all of me. My heart, my soul, my mind. Those darkest corners of my mind where I hide things, where the whole"trust" bit lurks.
So this is my resolution, not chosen by me, but by him, the one I submit to......and that is the first bit.
I am sure I will still find it difficult, will fight against it some of the times, struggle, sulk(and no I'm not a brat, the sulking is in my head) but within this learning, is where I find my peace, my contentment, my happiness, how I make my owner and therefore myself happy.This is what he wants, my total submission.
Thank you Sir for allowing me this, for giving me this task.